Life Starts Without Us

The thing about nightmares is that we all have them, but not all of us are dumb enough to invite them in and ask them to sit down to dinner.

(I mean, I am….)

Someone said to me recently that I shouldn’t entertain all of the thoughts I have in my head.

Before the words were even out of his mouth, my brain was already watching a scene where I open my apartment door, invite in the most hideous of monsters and give him my comfortable chair with an extra pillow. And then I feed him. And I sit down beside him. And I make sure he gets dessert. I probably throw in a massage for good measure.

And all I could think was, Jesus Christ, how much of my brain power have I used on babysitting monsters?

Several of my close friends are creative types. Yes- we all have issues. Obviously. We talk about them. We talk about the ways that doubt and fear like to come to visit and the disguises they like to wear.

The truth is some days we probably like having issues because at least they make us feel,  and they remind us that we’re still alive, despite of the fact that the world we live in feels like its sleeping sometimes. Sure, some of us are living in the past. And some of us are living in the future. And some of us are tap dancing on a wire no matter how many times we said we wouldn’t.

Life starts without us, I think.

For a long time I was so obsessed with looking forward or backward that it was almost too easy to miss what was happening right in front of me.

They say most people prefer looking back on an experience than actually having it, but how do you look back at a moment that you weren’t even in to begin with?

Last week I drove up the coast to this place that was quiet and loud, and all the things that a place should be. I wondered for the 700th time why I live in a city and don’t pack up and move somewhere where the stars have their own highways that they tease you with at night, and so the world feels… bigger.

I always say I will one day, and I probably will one day… but I wonder if one day will ever feel like now.

I bet God laughs a lot.

In a nice kind of way….

There’s a reason life didn’t come with a rewind button.

We’d break it.

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